That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
