Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So apparently I’m into choking now
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