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i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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