I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Michael Bay diarrhea
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
