You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
