For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
