Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
