I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
