I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
