I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
