I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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