it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
