Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
