Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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