Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
