Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
