3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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