508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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