new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
