I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The power of my boobs compel you
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
