Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
