Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
