we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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