Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
