ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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