is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
