and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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