i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
