I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
