I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
