Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
