He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
