theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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