one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
