She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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