just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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