it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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