I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
