chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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