Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
