What a fucking waste of an outfit
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
