Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
