ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
