You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
