well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
