Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
do nipples grow back?
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