What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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