Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
