Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
