I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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