You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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