please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I will pee on everything he values.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
