I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
