My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
