end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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