Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I need to sanitize my soul.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
