I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
